Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Being Present ~ It's A Hard Battle!

The past few weeks have been really nice. The troubles that I had with bear have mellowed substantially and both of my girls are beginning to play well together. And it isn't just the playing, when one gets hurt the other will run to her side with a hugs. They are all around sweet with each other; I will frequently hear bear trying to teach her little sister something and it's absolutely the most wonderful sound a mother could hear. So I'm enjoying this moment and letting it remind me that, yes, I am doing something right!

But even though a lot of wonderfully sweet things are happening, we still have our moments. Just this afternoon they both fought over a pillowcase and then over a stuffed turtle. The littlest one also likes to hit her big sister for kicks when she's getting cranky. It's a constant up and down/back and forth battle.

One area that I seem to be improving on is staying present, which is incredibly hard to do! I will frequently look back on a day and feel like I've zoomed through it in a daze. Being present is an ongoing process and I am frequently unaware that I've checked out, until it's already happened.

Between my phone, the chores and all the other things that I want to get done it's hard not to be distracted. And then there are the days when you just want to check out, you want to run away -- those are the hardest. When the kids won't stop asking for something and the dog won't stop ripping garbage up (OK that probably only happens in my house) and then there's the creepy big spider wandering around the sunlight, above the stove while you're make dinner, and he won't stop taunting you with his beady eyes (Ok, that only happens at my house...) and your husband's out of town, and....

I could go on and on. But I'm trying, every day, I'm trying; I'm picking myself back up and starting over. And I forgive myself for my mistakes and remind myself that I am not defined by them - one bad decision doesn't make me a bad mother and a million good decisions won't make me a perfect one either. There's beauty in this madness, somewhere, I know it!


As Brene Brown would say: I'm imperfect and I am enough!

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