Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Lost In Blog Translation

"You don't have to be perfect. Just keep going..."

I don't know what to write this week.

I gave up last week, convinced I needed a break. I chose to spend my free time reading and assumed I would walk away with more inspiration. Titillated with the stories of other fabulous writers, I would land myself a wonderful post to write. Unfortunately that something wonderful has turned into four different rambling drafts. On and on I type, but the words seem to go no where. Letters and paragraphs, chopped up and spliced, with no real story behind them, except nonsense and spelling errors.

I imagine Alice spinning down the rabbit hole, my lost blog posts spiraling with her. A random paragraph jabbing her in the ribcage, a couple of letters betwixt amongst her floating hair, gripping the strands, certain they'll never see the light of day...

My dead end ramblings appear to be coming from my lack of vision for this blog. I really don't know where I'm going with this tiny crevice I've created here on blogger. More than anything, I don't want to give up on it. I promised myself I would stick it through this time, with honesty and openness. 

As I continue to commit myself to writing, I can't help but listen to those *gremlins, those voices in the back of my head, telling me I'm not good enough. They like to sit and pick at me, tell me I'm silly for wasting my time here, and that my writing makes no sense.

The gremlin induced fear sets in before each post and I find myself writing for an imagined audience rather than writing for myself, and that's the real problem. I chose to do this for myself, no one else. But it's hard to put yourself out there when it seems like no one really wants to listen.

And when the gremlin voices start to dissipate, I remind myself that the goal was never to become something big. I simply want a space where I can create and reflect, and maybe if I'm lucky, connect with others who feel the same.

Being the introvert that I am, I need to write. I don't fully understand where I am going or what I am feeling without writing it down. Writing is my way of getting everything out, otherwise it burns inside of me, sucking away at my soul.

Back in college stories pored right out of me, but years away from reading and writing have created an on going struggle. My creative muscles have lost their definition and my writing metabolism is struggling to spring back. The more I read and write, the more things begin to look clearer. Perhaps I needed this week to reevaluate where I am going and what my long term goals are.

So here's to not giving up. Even if no one is reading. Even if all I gain from this blog is the pure satisfaction of creating something of my very own.

Fall down ten times, get up eleven.

And that's all I have to say about that.

*Gremelins, though a popular 80s movie, is also a term coined by Brene Brown in her books about shame. It is used to describe the negative voices in our heads that make us believe that we are not good enough. 

1 comment: