So we had a bit of a rocky day today: Daddy took off for another out of town work week last night, bear woke up at 6 am sharp this morning, and the sun decide not to shine until late in the afternoon.
At first the crummy day left me with a cozy feeling as we see the sun 99.6% of the year, thus the occasional change is usually welcome. So I figured today would be a great day to make some lentil soup and maybe some veggie broth since I conveniently had everything I needed in the pantry. Though, in the back of my mind, the anxiety of being stuck inside all day was mildly chipping away at my hopes that today would be a smooth and easy, hang around the house, kind of day.
When we don't have plans for the day we usually head out of the house about 9 am--Me, bear, and Acadia. We run all together, bear in the B.O.B. and Acadia on the leash. Our run includes a half way stop at the nature park where I let bear get out and explore while I simultaneously play catch with Acadia, using her chuck it. This is usually just what I need to refocus myself especially when it comes to bear.
But today it decided to rain, and since daddy wasn't home, and bear woke up at 6 am (not one minute before or after) there was no time for me to take a shower, which was desperately needed if we were going to attempt a public outing. So, as I said previously, I figured we'd be ok inside especially since bear has recently gotten more independent with her play time. Her ability to attend to toys for extended periods is expanded and so I just figured I would have ample opportunity to take care of some house work and my soup. But this was not bear's intentions for the day. Nope! Unfortunately bear was surprisingly very needy, she didn't want to be away from me for more than a minute, and each time I tried to complete even the smallest of tasks, bear immediately requested something and then in my attempts to appease her she would just as quickly change her mind and decided she wanted something else. I really felt like a mama chicken with her head cut off...
Now don't get me wrong. I try to devote a certain amount of time to bear every day. It's my way of making sure that I provide bear with my full attention daily because, as we all know, being present isn't easy. But with the constant clinginess and requesting-ness of bear, I just kept wanting to check out! Which only led to mommy guilt, which then only led to me spinning my wheels trying to make up for the lack of "in the moment" presences I'm having.
When nap time arrived I felt a huge sigh of relief! I finished my soup, cleaned up, and took a nice shower. Just in time for bear to start mumbling and grumbling from her mid day slumber. I popped bear out of bed, we made a few phone calls, and then headed out for our almost daily run, because the sun did finally decide to shine (hooo-ray!). As soon as I stepped out of the house I felt so much better! So much better that I almost started to feel a little bad for all the mommies I know who are stuck inside all winter long. I hope they find a way to sanity while stuck in doors-- and if you know that secret, please feel free to share!
So bear ran and wondered around through the rosemary and on through the labyrinth of entwined oak tree branches. We then explored her favorite spots- the ("cake") creak, the ("cactus!") cactus bushes (which we've learned not to touch!), and ("echo!") the pavilion. All the while I flung Acadia's bright orange and blue tennis ball across the park, satisfied with all of the energy I was squeezing out of the energizer puppy...
We all came home happy, I started to feel a little better, though I have to admit I still felt a little checked out, as the day continued, and nothing I did seemed to make it truly go away. Even as I write this blog, at this very moment, I don't feel present... but how can I not be present if I'm presently writing? How can you write if you're not present? And how can you feel like you're not present if you think you actually are....
Yes, I know, my brain's tung is tied, too...
I think this is really just a sign that it's time to just stop thinking and head to bed.
Oh! How I pray for the abilitly to be a more present mommy tomorrow!
I love you bear!