Carrots (Finding Joy in the Little Moments)

" Ca-wets, mama! Ca-wets!"

Yes, carrots she demanded, at ten in the morning, as it rained outside. I tried to tell her to wait for lunch, but when my little one gets an idea in her head, she's never easily persuaded to let it go

So we strapped our rain shoes on and went outside.

"Wain, mama! Wain!"

I told her I would stay in the garage and watch her while she danced in the rain, but the twinkle in her clear blue eyes kept me from staying still.

The excitement on her face and the pure joy she experiences in moments like these sends me shooting back to my own childhood. I danced with abandon beside her, around our little court yard, as the rain came pouring down. And she was happy.

We eventually made it over to our garden where my husband and children have spent many weekends planting and harvesting our vegetables. 

The little one and I admired all the green leaved bunches, sprouting out of the earth, and I slowly picked two little carrots for the littlest one in my house.

It is these special moments that I don't want to forget. These moments are magical. They are what keeps my mama energy tank going. They keep me present and they keep me alive.

For life is always a bit more joyful and a bit more colorful through the eyes of a child.

Being Present ~ It's A Hard Battle!

The past few weeks have been really nice. The troubles that I had with bear have mellowed substantially and both of my girls are beginning to play well together. And it isn't just the playing, when one gets hurt the other will run to her side with a hugs. They are all around sweet with each other; I will frequently hear bear trying to teach her little sister something and it's absolutely the most wonderful sound a mother could hear. So I'm enjoying this moment and letting it remind me that, yes, I am doing something right!

But even though a lot of wonderfully sweet things are happening, we still have our moments. Just this afternoon they both fought over a pillowcase and then over a stuffed turtle. The littlest one also likes to hit her big sister for kicks when she's getting cranky. It's a constant up and down/back and forth battle.

One area that I seem to be improving on is staying present, which is incredibly hard to do! I will frequently look back on a day and feel like I've zoomed through it in a daze. Being present is an ongoing process and I am frequently unaware that I've checked out, until it's already happened.

Between my phone, the chores and all the other things that I want to get done it's hard not to be distracted. And then there are the days when you just want to check out, you want to run away -- those are the hardest. When the kids won't stop asking for something and the dog won't stop ripping garbage up (OK that probably only happens in my house) and then there's the creepy big spider wandering around the sunlight, above the stove while you're make dinner, and he won't stop taunting you with his beady eyes (Ok, that only happens at my house...) and your husband's out of town, and....

I could go on and on. But I'm trying, every day, I'm trying; I'm picking myself back up and starting over. And I forgive myself for my mistakes and remind myself that I am not defined by them - one bad decision doesn't make me a bad mother and a million good decisions won't make me a perfect one either. There's beauty in this madness, somewhere, I know it!

*Sigh....

As Brene Brown would say: I'm imperfect and I am enough!

The rain is raining on my parade...

So we had a bit of a rocky day today: Daddy took off for another out of town work week last night, bear woke up at 6 am sharp this morning, and the sun decide not to shine until late in the afternoon.

At first the crummy day left me with a cozy feeling as we see the sun 99.6% of the year,  thus the occasional change is usually welcome. So I figured today would be a great day to make some lentil soup and maybe some veggie broth since I conveniently had everything I needed in the pantry. Though, in the back of my mind, the anxiety of being stuck inside all day was mildly chipping away at my hopes that today would be a smooth and easy, hang around the house, kind of day.

When we don't have plans for the day we usually head out of the house about 9 am--Me, bear, and Acadia. We run all together, bear in the B.O.B. and Acadia on the leash. Our run includes a half way stop at the nature park where I let bear get out and explore while I simultaneously play catch with Acadia, using her chuck it. This is usually just what I need to refocus myself especially when it comes to bear.

But today it decided to rain, and since daddy wasn't home, and bear woke up at 6 am (not one minute before or after) there was no time for me to take a shower, which was desperately needed if we were going to attempt a public outing. So, as I said previously, I figured we'd be ok inside especially since bear has recently gotten more independent with her play time. Her ability to attend to toys for extended periods is expanded and so I just figured I would have ample opportunity to take care of some house work and my soup. But this was not bear's intentions for the day. Nope! Unfortunately bear was surprisingly very needy, she didn't want to be away from me for more than a minute, and each time I tried to complete even the smallest of tasks, bear immediately requested something and then in my attempts to appease her she would just as quickly change her mind and decided she wanted something else. I really felt like a mama chicken with her head cut off...

Now don't get me wrong. I try to devote a certain amount of time to bear every day. It's my way of making sure that I provide bear with my full attention daily because, as we all know, being present isn't easy. But with the constant clinginess and requesting-ness of bear, I just kept wanting to check out! Which only led to mommy guilt, which then only led to me spinning my wheels trying to make up for the lack of "in the moment" presences I'm having.

When nap time arrived I felt a huge sigh of relief! I finished my soup, cleaned up, and took a nice shower. Just in time for bear to start mumbling and grumbling from her mid day slumber. I popped bear out of bed, we made a few phone calls, and then headed out for our almost daily run, because the sun did finally decide to shine (hooo-ray!). As soon as I stepped out of the house I felt so much better! So much better that I almost started to feel a little bad for all the mommies I know who are stuck inside all winter long. I hope they find a way to sanity while stuck in doors-- and if you know that secret, please feel free to share!

So bear ran and wondered around through the rosemary and on through the labyrinth of entwined oak tree branches. We then explored her favorite spots- the ("cake") creak, the ("cactus!") cactus bushes (which we've learned not to touch!), and ("echo!") the pavilion. All the while I flung Acadia's bright orange and blue tennis ball across the park, satisfied with all of the energy I was squeezing out of the energizer puppy...

We all came home happy, I started to feel a little better, though I have to admit I still felt a little checked out, as the day continued, and nothing I did seemed to make it truly go away. Even as I write this blog, at this very moment, I don't feel present... but how can I not be present if I'm presently writing? How can you write if you're not present? And how can you feel like you're not present if you think you actually are....

Yes, I know, my brain's tung is tied, too...

I think this is really just a sign that it's time to just stop thinking and head to bed.

Oh! How I pray for the abilitly to be a more present mommy tomorrow!

I love you bear!

xoxo
Bear's mom