Stepping Up

I'm in the thick of it. This is terrifying! I'm actually stepping up to the plate and talking to other parents. This time last year, preschool drop off was the most terrible time of the day! I didn't want to talk to anyone and when I did it, it was the hardest thing to do. A simple smile, an "uh-huh" or a "hello," was about all I could muster.

Sure I can run a marathon, but talk to people? No way! Too scary!

So hear I am "Daring Greatly" again... When I see an opportunity I'm trying hard to push through it, to talk, to try and connect, and each time it gets a little easier. It started with just saying hello with a smile, to anyone I approached, and slowly a sense of calm has developed. Calm because it's turning into normal, every day sorts of stuff, but also calm because I've become more comfortable with myself; and that in turn grows confidence. I use to be so nervous, talking to other moms, that I would physically shake and quickly look for an exit route.

...{Get me out of here}...

Today, I just focus on being present. I listen to the actual conversation rather than my own self doubting gremlins (that not so nice voice in your head). When I let go a little, the conversation just flows. And maybe it's a little bit of me maturing, too. Heading more into my 30s, perhaps I'm becoming more focused on my own personal goals and on what it is that I want out of life.

Either way I've beaten those nasty drop off gremlins, but they still seem to come around at the end of the day. They try to remind me of how silly I am to think that I could be normal and confident; to actually enjoy who I am. I will beat the night time gremlins down too, it's just gonna take a little more time, a little more effort and a little more understanding on my part.

 ...& Maybe a larger bat...

Yes, this introverted mama will one day step all the way out of her gremlin plastered shell. And even though this is really (Really) tough, I'm so much happier here than where I was last year.

Here's to being a little braver and a little calmer each and every day!


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*I am currently reading "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)," by Brene Brown. It's been a big part of my own self growth; it's changing my life. You can find more information by clicking on the beautiful heart link to the right of this post. 

Being Present ~ It's A Hard Battle!

The past few weeks have been really nice. The troubles that I had with bear have mellowed substantially and both of my girls are beginning to play well together. And it isn't just the playing, when one gets hurt the other will run to her side with a hugs. They are all around sweet with each other; I will frequently hear bear trying to teach her little sister something and it's absolutely the most wonderful sound a mother could hear. So I'm enjoying this moment and letting it remind me that, yes, I am doing something right!

But even though a lot of wonderfully sweet things are happening, we still have our moments. Just this afternoon they both fought over a pillowcase and then over a stuffed turtle. The littlest one also likes to hit her big sister for kicks when she's getting cranky. It's a constant up and down/back and forth battle.

One area that I seem to be improving on is staying present, which is incredibly hard to do! I will frequently look back on a day and feel like I've zoomed through it in a daze. Being present is an ongoing process and I am frequently unaware that I've checked out, until it's already happened.

Between my phone, the chores and all the other things that I want to get done it's hard not to be distracted. And then there are the days when you just want to check out, you want to run away -- those are the hardest. When the kids won't stop asking for something and the dog won't stop ripping garbage up (OK that probably only happens in my house) and then there's the creepy big spider wandering around the sunlight, above the stove while you're make dinner, and he won't stop taunting you with his beady eyes (Ok, that only happens at my house...) and your husband's out of town, and....

I could go on and on. But I'm trying, every day, I'm trying; I'm picking myself back up and starting over. And I forgive myself for my mistakes and remind myself that I am not defined by them - one bad decision doesn't make me a bad mother and a million good decisions won't make me a perfect one either. There's beauty in this madness, somewhere, I know it!

*Sigh....

As Brene Brown would say: I'm imperfect and I am enough!